Reality

I think reality is starting to set in but not the reality I expected. My two fears in the hospital have proven to be what we are struggling with the most. Our kids are handling the loss well but still have a lot of questions. As soon as I got home from the hospital Gwen came to me and asked, "Mommy, why did your baby die?" How do you answer that? "I don't know Gwen, something was wrong with the baby and it couldn't live any more and that little body had a spirit waiting to fill it but that spirit wasn't ready to come join our family just yet." Not sure how accurate all of that is but it satisfies her and me.

Audrey keeps telling me that she is sad I'm not having a baby and how she wishes I was already pregnant again. "Me too, sweetheart." She came home from school and told us how she wrote her sentences about the baby. The general ideas were, "The baby was the size of my dad's thumb. My mom had surgery. The baby died." Apparently they had a little class discussion with the kids sharing that this has happened to their mommies too. Excited to come help in her class later this week - it will be interesting.

Porter just tears up when he thinks about it but doesn't say much.

The hardest reality is realizing that I could have died. I could have left my little ones without a mom. This thought and realization has been very scary for Eric and I. Eric keeps texting me to see if I'm doing okay. He is a little worried not being by my side. I tear up as I tuck the kids in bed, and hug and kiss them as I send them off to school. Do they know how much I love them?

We have had so many offers of help with the kids, which we appreciate tremendously, but honestly, I don't want to be away from them. I want to have them with me as much as possible.

As we discuss what happened I realize how much of shock I was in as I was losing the large amounts of blood. Eric shared with me the comments from the doctors about the danger I could have been in if I didn't get there as quickly as I did and if the ER staff wasn't as prepared as they were.

We are filled with gratitude that everything worked out perfectly that day. I'm so grateful for the ER staff who reacted quickly in helping managing my blood loss and the OB who did the surgery. I'm so grateful that I was at the right place at the right time for even getting to the hospital 10 minutes later could have brought about a very different outcome. I'm recovering remarkably well. I still need to take it easy but feel good and am healing quickly.

We are overwhelmed with everyone's  love and support. We appreciate all the phone calls, texts, messages, emails, food, treats, cards and everything else. We also appreciate the space many of you are allowing our family at this time. We love you all.