I think reality is starting to set in but not the reality I expected. My two fears in the hospital have proven to be what we are struggling with the most. Our kids are handling the loss well but still have a lot of questions. As soon as I got home from the hospital Gwen came to me and asked, "Mommy, why did your baby die?" How do you answer that? "I don't know Gwen, something was wrong with the baby and it couldn't live any more and that little body had a spirit waiting to fill it but that spirit wasn't ready to come join our family just yet." Not sure how accurate all of that is but it satisfies her and me.
Audrey keeps telling me that she is sad I'm not having a baby and how she wishes I was already pregnant again. "Me too, sweetheart." She came home from school and told us how she wrote her sentences about the baby. The general ideas were, "The baby was the size of my dad's thumb. My mom had surgery. The baby died." Apparently they had a little class discussion with the kids sharing that this has happened to their mommies too. Excited to come help in her class later this week - it will be interesting.
Porter just tears up when he thinks about it but doesn't say much.
The hardest reality is realizing that I could have died. I could have left my little ones without a mom. This thought and realization has been very scary for Eric and I. Eric keeps texting me to see if I'm doing okay. He is a little worried not being by my side. I tear up as I tuck the kids in bed, and hug and kiss them as I send them off to school. Do they know how much I love them?
We have had so many offers of help with the kids, which we appreciate tremendously, but honestly, I don't want to be away from them. I want to have them with me as much as possible.
As we discuss what happened I realize how much of shock I was in as I was losing the large amounts of blood. Eric shared with me the comments from the doctors about the danger I could have been in if I didn't get there as quickly as I did and if the ER staff wasn't as prepared as they were.
We are filled with gratitude that everything worked out perfectly that day. I'm so grateful for the ER staff who reacted quickly in helping managing my blood loss and the OB who did the surgery. I'm so grateful that I was at the right place at the right time for even getting to the hospital 10 minutes later could have brought about a very different outcome. I'm recovering remarkably well. I still need to take it easy but feel good and am healing quickly.
We are overwhelmed with everyone's love and support. We appreciate all the phone calls, texts, messages, emails, food, treats, cards and everything else. We also appreciate the space many of you are allowing our family at this time. We love you all.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Apologies
This morning I'm more emotional but I think it is mainly because I hardly slept. Needles in the arms is not fun. Have you ever tried to sleep with your arms straight? Other interesting things, I pee two cups at a time. Who knew. If you are pumped full of fluids all night you are going to be bugging the nurses to watch you pee every two to three hours. I feel fine, so the last times I went by myself with out calling the nurse. Felt like a rebel.
Just talked to the PA and she said everything is looking good. My blood is a little low (don't really know what that means a 28) and my blood pressure is low but it always is so I'm not too concerned about that. I can go home after I get my Rhogam shot. Yeah, my own bed and no needles. I can't wait. I have no pain and feel great considering. My recover should be minimal. Just take it easy today and tomorrow. No exercise or heavy lifting for the next several weeks depending on my next doctors appointment in two weeks.
I've realized what makes me cry - apologies. So please don't give them. Ask me things like, how was the hospital staff, how's your energy, do you guys need any help (which honestly right now we are good), pretty much anything besides an apology. I'm sad for our loss and wish I was still pregnant. It is very weird to realize that I'm not! But I don't want to dwell on that. I want to think about the beautiful ones I have at home and an amazing husband that I get to sleep next to tonight. I want to think about my upcoming summer trips and the craziness of trying to sell our house. I know you are sorry for our loss and I appreciate it, I just don't want to talk about it. I hope that makes sense.
Thank you for all the prayers and support. It means so much to us. We are grateful I'm healthy and doing well and that we can try again in a few months. I'm so grateful to go through this with Eric and that we both have a clear understanding that this is for the best. We know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our little family and that he has the greater plan.
Just talked to the PA and she said everything is looking good. My blood is a little low (don't really know what that means a 28) and my blood pressure is low but it always is so I'm not too concerned about that. I can go home after I get my Rhogam shot. Yeah, my own bed and no needles. I can't wait. I have no pain and feel great considering. My recover should be minimal. Just take it easy today and tomorrow. No exercise or heavy lifting for the next several weeks depending on my next doctors appointment in two weeks.
I've realized what makes me cry - apologies. So please don't give them. Ask me things like, how was the hospital staff, how's your energy, do you guys need any help (which honestly right now we are good), pretty much anything besides an apology. I'm sad for our loss and wish I was still pregnant. It is very weird to realize that I'm not! But I don't want to dwell on that. I want to think about the beautiful ones I have at home and an amazing husband that I get to sleep next to tonight. I want to think about my upcoming summer trips and the craziness of trying to sell our house. I know you are sorry for our loss and I appreciate it, I just don't want to talk about it. I hope that makes sense.
Thank you for all the prayers and support. It means so much to us. We are grateful I'm healthy and doing well and that we can try again in a few months. I'm so grateful to go through this with Eric and that we both have a clear understanding that this is for the best. We know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our little family and that he has the greater plan.
My only love
We have had a lot of difficult times, trails, and struggles over the last several years. Likely, not more than the next family. During some especially hard times Eric apologized for the hard life I married into. I looked at him not feeling that way and said, "as long as I get to go through it all with you, I would rather have a hard life with you by my side than an easy life with anyone else." Still feel this way. I've had a lot of anxiety with putting our house up for sale and the unknow of our future (which really, what's the worst thing that could happen, a few weeks at the Value Inn?)
We were able to go to the temple on Saturday night and the whole time as I was praying for comfort I thought about how nothing matters as long as I'm with Eric. We could live in a dumpy apartment and would be happy or in our beautiful dream home we are trying to build and it would be the same. the kids are important too but not as much as being with Eric. I realize at the temple how he has been the only love of my life and how it will all work out because we will be dealing with it together. And also as a family with our flexible, beautiful four little ones.
I was expecting our fifth child which added to the anxiety of the move. Typically we keep pregnancies a secret until 15 or 16 weeks but we were excited and started telling at 12 weeks. I heard the heart beat and everything looked great at 10 1/2 weeks. We were in the clear, right?
Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up with a odd feeling that I was going to miscarry today. I later had some spotting but nothing too serious. I started cramping a lot during church and pulled Eric out telling him I will call him if I needed to go to the hospital. He told me it would all be fine, nothing too serious, he was sure. How I wanted to believe him. After church I let the kids go to town on sugar cereal and Rose and I took naps. I had convienced myself that I just needed some rest. I woke up a few hours later and had some more spotting but nothing too concerning. However, I began cramping a lot. I got out of bed to help with the kids and Eric and Porter left to go home teaching. I told the girls to get their shoes on so we could visit the Flinders while dad was gone. Hadn't see Becky's cute baby in forever and I needed a distraction. We chatted for a few minutes when I first got there. I told her about the weird things going on and then GUSH. I felt like my water broke. There was blood tracked through her kitchen, in her bathroom and I hope not on the carpet, lovely. Becky rushed me to the ER and Tim watched my girls. I texted Eric and he rushed Porter to Tim and meet us at the hospital. he got thereafter the doctor started working on me. I was gushing blood, left all throughout the hospital. The doctor told me I was misscarrying and that it is good I did wait to come in since I was losing so much blood. He got the baby out but I was bleeding too much for him to do more. The nurse asked if i wanted to see my baby, I quickly said no, eric agreed that that probably would not be a good thing. I have a hard time feeling attached to my babies until after the 20 week ultrasound. I did not want to see how much of a baby it looked liked. I was ordered two units of blood and was told I would go straight to surgery for a D&C. Some strangers helped Eric give me a blessing. I cried for two reasons:1 how we're we going to tell the kids, and 2 what if something goes wrong and I leave poor Eric a widower with four small children, I didn't even say good bye to the kids. Now that seems like a silly fear but I was bleeding a lot. I felt nervous as they wheeled me to surgery, excited to be put under to forget about this nightmare for a few minutes. Surgery went well. They got the bleeding to stop and I was told I would stay overnight to watch my blood.
Emotionally, I'm doing well. I'm sad for what could have been but I also know miscarriages are a blessing. I guess part of it is because we have four wonderful children and I'm sure we can try again. Physically, I'm doing great. I will know more in the morning. And yes, I should be sleeping but with an iv in each arm and massage leggings on, it is a little hard to sleep.
I'm so grateful for everyone who took care of my kids, have offered dinner, and more babysitting. Not sure what the next couple days will be like. I'm especially grateful this happened today and not next week. Eric is leaving for a 16 day trip to Europe, which is mandatory for his MBA. I'm so excited for him to go on this amazing trip. He needs it right now. I'm not sure how he would have delt with that email from the hospital, yikes!
We were able to go to the temple on Saturday night and the whole time as I was praying for comfort I thought about how nothing matters as long as I'm with Eric. We could live in a dumpy apartment and would be happy or in our beautiful dream home we are trying to build and it would be the same. the kids are important too but not as much as being with Eric. I realize at the temple how he has been the only love of my life and how it will all work out because we will be dealing with it together. And also as a family with our flexible, beautiful four little ones.
I was expecting our fifth child which added to the anxiety of the move. Typically we keep pregnancies a secret until 15 or 16 weeks but we were excited and started telling at 12 weeks. I heard the heart beat and everything looked great at 10 1/2 weeks. We were in the clear, right?
Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up with a odd feeling that I was going to miscarry today. I later had some spotting but nothing too serious. I started cramping a lot during church and pulled Eric out telling him I will call him if I needed to go to the hospital. He told me it would all be fine, nothing too serious, he was sure. How I wanted to believe him. After church I let the kids go to town on sugar cereal and Rose and I took naps. I had convienced myself that I just needed some rest. I woke up a few hours later and had some more spotting but nothing too concerning. However, I began cramping a lot. I got out of bed to help with the kids and Eric and Porter left to go home teaching. I told the girls to get their shoes on so we could visit the Flinders while dad was gone. Hadn't see Becky's cute baby in forever and I needed a distraction. We chatted for a few minutes when I first got there. I told her about the weird things going on and then GUSH. I felt like my water broke. There was blood tracked through her kitchen, in her bathroom and I hope not on the carpet, lovely. Becky rushed me to the ER and Tim watched my girls. I texted Eric and he rushed Porter to Tim and meet us at the hospital. he got thereafter the doctor started working on me. I was gushing blood, left all throughout the hospital. The doctor told me I was misscarrying and that it is good I did wait to come in since I was losing so much blood. He got the baby out but I was bleeding too much for him to do more. The nurse asked if i wanted to see my baby, I quickly said no, eric agreed that that probably would not be a good thing. I have a hard time feeling attached to my babies until after the 20 week ultrasound. I did not want to see how much of a baby it looked liked. I was ordered two units of blood and was told I would go straight to surgery for a D&C. Some strangers helped Eric give me a blessing. I cried for two reasons:1 how we're we going to tell the kids, and 2 what if something goes wrong and I leave poor Eric a widower with four small children, I didn't even say good bye to the kids. Now that seems like a silly fear but I was bleeding a lot. I felt nervous as they wheeled me to surgery, excited to be put under to forget about this nightmare for a few minutes. Surgery went well. They got the bleeding to stop and I was told I would stay overnight to watch my blood.
Emotionally, I'm doing well. I'm sad for what could have been but I also know miscarriages are a blessing. I guess part of it is because we have four wonderful children and I'm sure we can try again. Physically, I'm doing great. I will know more in the morning. And yes, I should be sleeping but with an iv in each arm and massage leggings on, it is a little hard to sleep.
I'm so grateful for everyone who took care of my kids, have offered dinner, and more babysitting. Not sure what the next couple days will be like. I'm especially grateful this happened today and not next week. Eric is leaving for a 16 day trip to Europe, which is mandatory for his MBA. I'm so excited for him to go on this amazing trip. He needs it right now. I'm not sure how he would have delt with that email from the hospital, yikes!
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