My only love

We have had a lot of difficult times, trails, and struggles over the last several years. Likely, not more than the next family. During some especially hard times Eric apologized for the hard life I married into. I looked at him not feeling that way and said, "as long as I get to go through it all with you, I would rather have a hard life with you by my side than an easy life with anyone else." Still feel this way. I've had a lot of anxiety with putting our  house up for sale and the unknow of our future (which really, what's the worst thing that could happen, a few weeks at the Value Inn?)

We were able to go to the temple on Saturday night and the whole time as I was praying for comfort I thought about how nothing matters as long as I'm with Eric. We could live in a dumpy apartment and would be happy or in our beautiful dream home we are trying to build and it would be the same. the kids are important too but not as much as being with Eric. I realize at the temple how he has been the only love of my life and how it will all work out because we will be dealing with it together. And also as a family with our flexible, beautiful four little ones.

I was expecting our fifth child which added to the anxiety of the move. Typically we keep pregnancies a secret until 15 or 16 weeks but we were excited and started telling at 12 weeks. I heard the heart beat  and everything looked great at 10 1/2 weeks. We were in the clear, right?

Sunday morning  (this morning) I woke up with a odd feeling that I was going to miscarry today. I later had some spotting but nothing too serious. I started cramping a lot during church and pulled Eric out telling him I will call him if I needed to go to the hospital. He told me it would all be fine, nothing too serious, he was sure. How I wanted to believe him. After church I let the kids go to town on sugar cereal and Rose and I took naps. I had convienced myself that I just needed some rest. I woke up a few hours later and had some more spotting but nothing too concerning. However, I began cramping a lot. I got out of bed to help with the kids and Eric and Porter left to go home teaching. I told the girls to get their shoes on so we could visit the Flinders while dad was gone. Hadn't see Becky's cute baby in forever and I needed a distraction. We chatted for a few minutes when I first got there. I told her about the weird things going on and then GUSH. I felt like my water broke. There was blood tracked through her kitchen, in her bathroom and I hope not on the carpet, lovely. Becky rushed me to the ER and Tim watched my girls. I texted Eric and he rushed Porter to Tim and meet us at the hospital. he got thereafter the doctor started working on me. I was gushing blood, left all throughout the hospital. The doctor told me I was misscarrying and that it is good I did wait to come in since I was losing so much blood. He got the baby out but I was bleeding too much for him to do more. The nurse asked if i wanted to see my baby, I quickly said no, eric agreed that that probably would not be a good thing. I have a hard time feeling attached to my babies until after the 20 week ultrasound. I did not want to see how much of a baby it looked liked. I was ordered two units of blood and was told I would go straight to surgery for a D&C. Some strangers helped Eric give me a blessing. I cried for two reasons:1 how we're we going to tell the kids, and 2 what if something goes wrong and I leave poor Eric a widower with four small children, I didn't even say good bye to the kids. Now that seems like a silly fear but I was bleeding a lot. I felt nervous as they wheeled me to surgery, excited to be put under to forget about this nightmare for a few minutes. Surgery went well. They got the bleeding to stop and I was told I would stay overnight to watch my blood.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. I'm sad for what could have been but I also know miscarriages are a blessing. I guess part of it is because we have four wonderful children and I'm sure we can try again. Physically, I'm doing great. I will know more in the morning. And yes, I should be sleeping but with an iv in each arm and massage leggings on, it is a little hard to sleep.

I'm so grateful for everyone who took care of my kids, have offered dinner, and more babysitting. Not sure what the next couple days will be like. I'm especially grateful this happened today and not next week. Eric is leaving for a 16 day trip to Europe, which is mandatory for his MBA. I'm so excited for him to go on this amazing trip. He needs it right now. I'm not sure how he would have delt with that email from the hospital, yikes!