How's the new school?

We have become one of the many guinea pigs to our neighborhood and community. With sly eyes we are asked, "How's the new school? We've thought about it but wanted to wait to see how it turned out." Meaning we want to see how your kids do before we try it out on our kids. We are happy to be the experiment and feel so blessed that our children have this amazing opportunity.

My Kindergartner, 2nd grader and 3rd grader are all attending a very outside the box approach to education at the American International School of Utah. The school is in the old "historic" 49th St. Galleria. There are about a thousand students enrolled from K-12 with 20% international students in the high school. There are 280 kids in the elementary school, with over 500 kids on the waiting list.

So to answer to your question...
It's amazing. My kids have never been happier! As a mom I love that there is no required homework and NO backpacks! So happy. The kids can work on Raz-kids, and other programs they are using at school if parents want them to. But for me, I love that my kids come home and can play, play, play. I'm not fighting them on homework or yelling at them because there is a moldy sandwich in their backpack or that I'm tripping over backpacks all over the house. The school tries to be as paperless as possible and only allows healthy snacks. Want to bring a treat for a child's birthday - you are limited to fruit cuts, fruit leathers, strawberries with whip cream, etc. I love that my kids don't come home loaded with sugar.

Breakdown...
Gwen loves Kindergarten. It is a Montessori approach. She plays all day while challenging her brain (this is her quote). There are 48 kids in Pre-K to K and they all have class together with three head teachers and one assistant teacher. I love all of her teachers. They are strict but kind and super fun. Gwen wishes she was all day... which we had the option to pay for. She is reading better at home and loves school. Isn't that the point in Kindergarten.

Audrey adores her two teachers in 2nd grade. Yep a class of 36 has two amazing teachers. It is also a Montessori approach mixed with Acton Model. She has yoga 2-3 times a week. Love it! She tells me that she plays all day but her teachers tell her she is actually learning as she plays. I've never had her come home with so much excitement. It helps that all the elementary kids are provide with a healthy snack every day. She loves the books they read and tells us every detail, she loves the science experiments they do and the fun the have. She made a volcano erupt last week and this week she made a cross section of the earth with it's different layers.

Porter is in 3rd grade and didn't love the first week. I think the 3-5 graders had a harder time adjusting to the different culture at the school. It is now the end of week 3 and he loves it. I think the 3-5 teaching style is my favorite. There is a teacher and an assistant for 36 kids. There are four groups which they call crews. All the crews are mixed with 3rd,4th, and 5th graders. Some of Porter's favorite projects have been drawing a self portrait. See the improvement below. He fought this assignment and didn't want to do it but now loves to see how much he improved (which was the purpose). I"m excited to see his final draft that is at home. He wrote an autobiography and today is presenting a biography that we wrote with a group of kids. They interviewed one of the teachers and created a timeline and biography of them. I told him what a great thing to learn. He can write a biography about his grandparents. He was excited. They are also reading the Giver. Daily they have "specials" which include a variation of the following depending on the trimester: Ukulele (he starts this in December), Choir, Dance/Theater, Health, PE, Art, and Keyboarding. He comes home happy and excited to learn.

Other perks...
Porter and Audrey take piano lessons at the school on Tuesday mornings. There is also a beginning orchestra that we will do next year with Audrey at the violin and Porter at the cello. Also an amazing performing arts director and opportunities to be in plays.

How's the new school? Amazing, awesome, a dream come true.

Is it perfect? Of course not. Parents, teachers and staff are all working from the same book but we are not always on the same page. Not a well defined flow of authority. But those issues take time and will work out.

I thought parents were crazy to drive from Layton, or Eagle Mountain to take their kids to AISU, but now I think I would do the same. I'm just luck to live 1.5 miles away :D

What I've learned about loss

There is something healing about recognizing the hurt.

The first week I tried not be sad. I didn't want to waste my time being sad. I soon realized that acknowledging that it is normal and okay to feel pain over my many losses. Somehow telling my self this made me feel better. When I have a hard day I allow myself to go through the emotions and heal from them.

Healing from loss takes time.

We struggled with infertility (used lightly) with Porter. The pain of not getting pregnant month after month seemed unbearable at the time. Now I look back at the short period or phase of our lives with fondness. All the tender moments Eric and I had together as we worked through the feelings of fear and disappointment. Remembering this helps me realize that in five years I can feel the same way about this experience. Time seems to slow down when life is a struggle. It feels all encompassing right now but I know that this is such a small moment in time.

Healing is a process and not a one time event.

I became frustrated when the hurt of these miscarriages came back. After two weeks I really felt great and things were moving on. I was happy to not be sick and to have a summer of not being pregnant ahead of me. Then I started getting test results. The pain came flooding back with every call from the doctor's office. I would heal and be doing well then the medical bills started coming in the mail. Every time I get the courage to sit down and start paying the bills the feelings come back. I try to pay them when I can have a few moments of sadness and tears. The first time I started paying the bills I felt great empathy for anyone who has had to do this for a lost child. How painful to sit down to the astronomical bills that represent a horrible loss in your life.

The fear of future loss never leaves you.

Every time we decide to try for another child I feared not being able to get pregnant. I don't think I could ever experience pregnancy again without the fear of losing the baby. Whatever loss you have experienced in life stays with you to some degree.

Life goes on. I'm grateful that summer is a few weeks away and that I get to spend every minute of it playing and exploring with my children. I've declared this summer the summer of hiking and outdoor adventures. I love being out in nature and the peace that I feel there. I'm excited to take my awesome little hikers around the many beautiful canyons surrounding our city.

Creating My Own Happiness

In February, I found out I was pregnant. I was giddy for the first week. The second week I was scared to death. This was my roller coaster of emotions for the next eight weeks. Nauseated, headaches, hatred for food and narcolepsy are good descriptions of my health during the first trimester. Eric made dinner for about four weeks straight and I took a nap everyday with cute Rose. I felt more pregnant than I did with my last two pregnancies and knew that this had to be it. I was going to finally keep this pregnancy, yet deep down I think I knew. I never allowed myself to get too excited because it wasn't real until I saw a heartbeat at 12-14 weeks.

The Tuesday before Easter I had my first doctors appointment. I didn't sleep all night stressing out about my appointment. I can't miscarry a third time, right. Everything is going to be okay. I started losing a little weight and felt off. I wanted more than anything to believe that this pregnancy would be different. Eric came with me and the doctor congratulated us. I looked at him and said, "Let's make sure there is something to celebrate first." He was a little surprised but went straight to the ultrasound and once again no heartbeat. The baby measured at 11 weeks 1 day. I was numb. We went to the second ultrasound machine to have the tech distraught, "I just check you a few weeks ago and everything looked great, how can this be?" I just shrugged my shoulders and said "it's the third time" as tears streamed down my face. It was an extremely painful doctors visit. We scheduled the D&C for the next morning. I couldn't believe this was happening again. At the time I was in good spirits. I felt peace and purpose to the chaos.

The D&C went well. The best part was when the anesthesiologist lectured me on overpopulating the earth. I think the OR nurse wanted to punch him. The plan was to run a few tests on the fetus and on my thyroid. I kept telling myself that we were going to get an answer, these tests were going to help. It was bittersweet to learn that everything looks normal. The nurse even told me that there is no reason why we can't keep trying, oh and that it was a girl (ouch!). I wanted to say, "We are never going through this again!" More doctor visits are planned. I'm not very hopeful. I now suffer from recurrent miscarriages. What makes mine rare is that it is happening after four normal pregnancies and all my miscarriages have been at eleven weeks.

My running buddy has also experienced miscarriages and loss. As we talked one morning about how I felt like I needed something to heal and knew that writing about the experience would help. I expressed to her how I didn't know how to start. She said it perfectly, "It's hard when you don't have a happy ending." I've thought about that a lot this week. I struggle with the lack of hope. With the other two miscarriages I felt comfort in knowing we could try again. Now it is emotionally, physically, and financially unwise to continue trying. Doing so would define me as insane. My biggest fear is to become pregnant. I think one of my struggles has been our new home. We build a six bedroom house to fill with children not house guests or furniture. Now what do we do with our extra rooms? (Although, we love and encourage house guests!)

I always imagined knowing it was going to be our last child and cherishing every moment. To stop having children was going to be a joyous decision as we felt complete as a family. I still want that feeling. I guess that feeling will come with time if we are forced to be done.

As I pondered the idea of a happy ending, I decided I needed to change my definition of happy. I needed to create my happiness. I have an amazing husband and four beautiful children. Life is good, even if it isn't what I planned. Has any of our lives turned out like we thought? It is usually so much better. Although I lack hope in the baby department, I do have hope that I will someday have an understanding of why this happened and clarity to it's greater purpose.

Mountains to Climb

The Sunday before Thanksgiving I taught the 9 and 10 year old Sunday school class (primary). I love this calling in my church. On this particular week the lesson was on Faith in Jesus Christ. The lesson went through several stories of the early saints and their struggles. The point was to help the children understand that when we have faith in Jesus Christ we can endure all things. As I prepared and taught this lesson I felt like it was for me, that for some reason I needed this reminder at this time.

The following Tuesday I had my first doctors appointment. I was eleven weeks along. I wasn't nervous during this pregnancy until a few days before my appointment. The nurses and doctor were surprised how unexcited I was. I just told them I wasn't sure everything was okay with the baby. They reassured me that it was going to be great. As my doctor did as ultrasound there was no sound. He played with volume a little then looked at me. "No heart beat," I said. "I'm so sorry," he responded. I tried to control the tears. They put me in another room with a fancier ultrasound machine to confirm. My doctor was surprised that the baby was measuring right at eleven weeks. It must have just happened he told me. So the process began again. I text Eric and we got a D&C scheduled for the next day. I was grateful I didn't have an appointment any earlier. Seeing a heart beat and having the hope that the baby was healthy would have made this so much harder. I was extremely grateful I didn't have to miscarry on my own. I don't ever want to have another ER visit. The surgery went great and we told the kids nothing about the miscarriage. No one knew we were expecting. I don't think we will make the mistake of telling people too early again.

We were sad and heart broken but only for a short time. We still tear up on occasion but most of my tears are because of the peace and hope that I feel during this trying time. One night Eric and I finally had a few moments to be sad together. I told him I was grateful for the mountains we have been given this past year to climb. There was a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring in 2012 titled mountains to climb. At the time Eric and I discussed how we were ready and excited for opportunities to grow. In the talk president Eyring talks about how we get through trails by having a solid foundation of faith, primarily in our savior Jesus Christ. Thinking about this talk during this trial taught me something very important about myself and my experiences. In a previous post I talked about an extremely difficult trial/experience that I sometimes still questioned. I've been taught this past week that that difficult time in my life was preparing me for the trials we had this year.

When I was struggling with a bad experience in the past I questioned my worth and my faith. I struggled with depression and despair. I didn't have a lot of experience with the atonement of Jesus Christ at that time but knew that the atonement was the way for me to overcome and to be spiritually and mentally healed. I intensely studied the life of Christ for the next year trying to find the peace and comfort I so greatly desire. Slowly, very slowly, after more than a year I began to feel some peace and comfort. Overtime I healed completely. But more importantly, I was able to strengthen my foundation of faith in my Savior.

We have been sad but more than anything we feel joy, peace, and hope for the future because of our faith in Jesus Christ. We all go through difficult times but it is always given to us as a opportunity to grow and to become more like the Son of God. This Christmas session I'm especially grateful for the gift that has been given to all men...the gift of peace, comfort, and hope as we seek out Jesus Christ and come unto Him.

I prayed for a miracle...

In early October, Eric was diagnosed with Celiac disease which is a gluten intolerance. Changing your diet from whole grains largely consisting of wheat to a diet with no gluten is a shock in the beginning. We are slowly adjusting. When Eric was diagnosed I decided that I would focus on cooking gluten free dinners until we learn more and Eric finds alternatives to our regular meals that he likes. Basically we eat pork and rice, chicken and potatoes, simple meals that are naturally gluten free.

I visited with a friend and her husband today and they asked how the diet is coming which lead to questions about how long Eric has been dealing with symptoms. As I explained how he has felt over the last five plus years, I was shocked that we thought it was normal or okay for him to feel the way he did.

It started Easter 2008, Eric got sick for four or five days with severe diarrhea. At the point we started to really worry, he got better and felt okay for about a month, then he was sick again for several days. This cycle continued for six months before Eric went to the doctor. Because the doctor had no idea what was wrong with Eric and Eric's family history of colon cancer it was decided to do a colonoscopy at the American Fork Hospital. I was rather unimpressed with the Gastrointestinal Doctor who performed the procedure. He was rude and arrogant from the beginning. He told me Eric has microscopic colitis and that nothing could be done. Live with it.  So he did. For over five years Eric has "lived" with stomach craps, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and more. It was normal for him to pass on dinner because he felt too sick to eat or for him to get so sick he would lose five to ten pounds in a week. Not sure how we thought this was okay!

Eric was miserable and constantly in pain. Now that he is not in pain he realizes how he just got use to his stomach always hurting - it became his norm.

I felt horrible. He works so hard and was suffering so much. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he might be healed some how. I especially prayed for a miracle when he was in school and in the bishopric getting hardly any sleep and dealing with large amounts of stress. I just wasn't sure his body could deal with it. Surely Heavenly Father could heal him, could take away some of the pain.

The miracle finally came after years of praying. In late September of this year, Eric was scheduled for another colonoscopy (because of the family history of colon cancer). Luckily, our move caused Eric to have the procedure done at IMC with Dr. Frech. Dr. Frech questioned Eric why someone so young would be getting a colonoscopy and told him there was no way he had microscopic colitis. Males his age do not get mircoscopic colitis. After the procedure Dr. Frech told Eric that he does have mircoscopic colitis but that it is curable and that he believed it was caused by advance signs of untreated Celiac disease. Noooooo Not Celiac!!!

We had a week before we knew for sure that Eric had Celiac and we feasted on gluten. Top on the list was homemade cherry pie and pizza. Eric's blood work came back higher than the doctor has ever seen. His mircoscopic colitis only requires three months of medicine and then will be gone forever if he sticks to a gluten free diet.

This lifestyle change has been harder than I imagined. A few weeks after Eric was diagnosed I was pondering and had an overwhelming feeling that this is the miracle I have prayed so fervently for. How grateful I am for answers to prayers. It is a miracle that he has not vomited in the last six weeks. His stomach does not hurt constantly and he never comes home to tell me he is skipping dinner because he just feels sick.

We are learning and adjusting. The kids are very concerned about Eric not eating things that will make him sick. They always ask what dad can and can't eat. They ask if dinner is gluten free almost every night. One day I heard the girls playing house and talking about gluten free food. This is the oven they made

One side is to cook dad's gluten free food and the other side is to cook gluten unfree food.

The new diet is hard for Eric as it is for all of us but how worth it it is! I'm so grateful that prayers are answered and that it was Heavenly Father's will to heal Eric. He has asked me to stop praying for him however ;)

Tender Mercies part 2

I laid in bed last night thinking of all the things I failed to express.

I marvel at the tender mercies that are given to us throughout our lives. I have heard countless stories of ways individuals and families have felt prepared in unique ways to deal with the tragedies their families have experienced. I feel that this is one of the many ways Heavenly Father expresses his love for us. We must deal with difficulties in this life but He is there carrying us along.

But wait! What about the most trying time in my life? I STILL question why and have failed to accept. Was I prepared to deal with that hardship? No. I don't feel like I was prepared in any way. How can I justify these comments when I haven't always felt this way. Now, after many years, I can look back to see how I became a better person or how Eric was prepared to help me through such a hard time. I've learned where I have been in the wrong and have learned to empathize with others who deal with similar things.

Perhaps we are not prepared in every trail but that as we learn to accept them and Heavenly Father's will for us we can feel peace and calmness despite the heartache. Maybe it is only after the acceptance that our eyes can truly be open to the tender mercies of the Lord. I've realized that I need to learn to accept one of the hardest times of my life and to STOP questioning. This is going to be hard.

I think there are two ways we question hardship. One - why did this happen to me? Two - why did this happen (so I can learn how to avoid it in the future)? The second way is a health and righteous way to question. Were the first will get you no where and typically is unanswerable. I'm excited to change my way of thinking when hardships come and to look for the many tender mercies and blessings that come with them.

Tender Mercies

Life is back to normal...whatever that means. I'm healthy, exercising occasionally, and have all my energy back.

I felt a need to write about some interesting experiences I've had this past weekend. It started with hearing of a tragedy with so many unanswered questions and the heartache that comes from the unexplained. Why did we experience this loss, why did I have a child die, why did I lose my job right after I bought a large home, or any of the other questions we might have in life. The tragedy I learned about and the questions asked haunted me throughout the day as I wondered is it better to ask or to accept. Is there a way to do both? Can asking and questioning truly bring peace? I'm not sure there is a right answer. But I know that acceptance will always bring peace. Every time.

Eric just finished his last weekend of his MBA program. Hooray!!! I got to spend the weekend with him and his classmates at Sundance Resort for a final wrap up of the program. At the dinner on Friday night we sat next to a couple who I learned experienced the tragedy of losing their parents in a terrible RV crash in Southern Utah at the end of May when Eric and his classmates were all abroad on their Foreign Business Trips. I learned that this man was asked to take over his father-in-law's company when he returned. He spoke for a few minutes during the evenings program about how going back to school has been such a great opportunity for him. I sat there and thought about how he was being prepared to take over this company.

The next afternoon I was speaking with the wife and my miscarriage came up as she found out how often Eric and I talked while he was out of the country and how we were able to face time everyday. Since internet access was expensive and not always easily accessible she asked why we did this. I told her I was very sick when Eric left and he was worried about leaving me. He wanted to see me to make sure I was getting more color in my face. As we talked about the experience and I shared with her all the parts I was grateful for, I told her my thoughts on how her husband was being prepared for their tragedy. She looked at me surprised and expresses how blessed she has felt and all the tender mercies of the Lord that she has see through this difficult experience. She gave me a hug and thanked me for understand. She told me how she felt most people found her heart less or strange for not being devastated for losing her parents when they were still so young. "I've cried many tears and it has been a challenge, but I know that we were prepared for this experience."

Later that night Eric and I were reading the article A Time of Faith, Not Fear in this months Ensign by Elder Larry W. Gibbons. A small section fit so well with the thoughts both of us have been having. "I will always remember sitting in the front room of the home of my closest friend two days after he passed away at a relatively young age. His wife and son were in the room, along with a striking feeling of absolute peace and calm despite the sorrow."

This true deep peace only comes from an understanding of the Plan of Salvation and the peace and comfort of keeping the sacred covenants we make at baptism and in the temple of our God. How grateful I am for the peace and calm that Eric and I have experienced through our many mini "tragedies" of life. We feel so blessed to be an eternal family and to know that God's plan for us is always greater than our own.

This week is a week of big changes for our family. Eric finished school and was released from his calling. We are living in a home full of boxes preparing for our big move on Wednesday to a small townhouse in Murray just minutes from our lot. We are nervous, sad, excited and full of hope as we move on to this new adventure.