The Sunday before Thanksgiving I taught the 9 and 10 year old Sunday school class (primary). I love this calling in my church. On this particular week the lesson was on Faith in Jesus Christ. The lesson went through several stories of the early saints and their struggles. The point was to help the children understand that when we have faith in Jesus Christ we can endure all things. As I prepared and taught this lesson I felt like it was for me, that for some reason I needed this reminder at this time.
The following Tuesday I had my first doctors appointment. I was eleven weeks along. I wasn't nervous during this pregnancy until a few days before my appointment. The nurses and doctor were surprised how unexcited I was. I just told them I wasn't sure everything was okay with the baby. They reassured me that it was going to be great. As my doctor did as ultrasound there was no sound. He played with volume a little then looked at me. "No heart beat," I said. "I'm so sorry," he responded. I tried to control the tears. They put me in another room with a fancier ultrasound machine to confirm. My doctor was surprised that the baby was measuring right at eleven weeks. It must have just happened he told me. So the process began again. I text Eric and we got a D&C scheduled for the next day. I was grateful I didn't have an appointment any earlier. Seeing a heart beat and having the hope that the baby was healthy would have made this so much harder. I was extremely grateful I didn't have to miscarry on my own. I don't ever want to have another ER visit. The surgery went great and we told the kids nothing about the miscarriage. No one knew we were expecting. I don't think we will make the mistake of telling people too early again.
We were sad and heart broken but only for a short time. We still tear up on occasion but most of my tears are because of the peace and hope that I feel during this trying time. One night Eric and I finally had a few moments to be sad together. I told him I was grateful for the mountains we have been given this past year to climb. There was a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring in 2012 titled mountains to climb. At the time Eric and I discussed how we were ready and excited for opportunities to grow. In the talk president Eyring talks about how we get through trails by having a solid foundation of faith, primarily in our savior Jesus Christ. Thinking about this talk during this trial taught me something very important about myself and my experiences. In a previous post I talked about an extremely difficult trial/experience that I sometimes still questioned. I've been taught this past week that that difficult time in my life was preparing me for the trials we had this year.
When I was struggling with a bad experience in the past I questioned my worth and my faith. I struggled with depression and despair. I didn't have a lot of experience with the atonement of Jesus Christ at that time but knew that the atonement was the way for me to overcome and to be spiritually and mentally healed. I intensely studied the life of Christ for the next year trying to find the peace and comfort I so greatly desire. Slowly, very slowly, after more than a year I began to feel some peace and comfort. Overtime I healed completely. But more importantly, I was able to strengthen my foundation of faith in my Savior.
We have been sad but more than anything we feel joy, peace, and hope for the future because of our faith in Jesus Christ. We all go through difficult times but it is always given to us as a opportunity to grow and to become more like the Son of God. This Christmas session I'm especially grateful for the gift that has been given to all men...the gift of peace, comfort, and hope as we seek out Jesus Christ and come unto Him.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I prayed for a miracle...
In early October, Eric was diagnosed with Celiac disease which is a gluten intolerance. Changing your diet from whole grains largely consisting of wheat to a diet with no gluten is a shock in the beginning. We are slowly adjusting. When Eric was diagnosed I decided that I would focus on cooking gluten free dinners until we learn more and Eric finds alternatives to our regular meals that he likes. Basically we eat pork and rice, chicken and potatoes, simple meals that are naturally gluten free.
I visited with a friend and her husband today and they asked how the diet is coming which lead to questions about how long Eric has been dealing with symptoms. As I explained how he has felt over the last five plus years, I was shocked that we thought it was normal or okay for him to feel the way he did.
It started Easter 2008, Eric got sick for four or five days with severe diarrhea. At the point we started to really worry, he got better and felt okay for about a month, then he was sick again for several days. This cycle continued for six months before Eric went to the doctor. Because the doctor had no idea what was wrong with Eric and Eric's family history of colon cancer it was decided to do a colonoscopy at the American Fork Hospital. I was rather unimpressed with the Gastrointestinal Doctor who performed the procedure. He was rude and arrogant from the beginning. He told me Eric has microscopic colitis and that nothing could be done. Live with it. So he did. For over five years Eric has "lived" with stomach craps, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and more. It was normal for him to pass on dinner because he felt too sick to eat or for him to get so sick he would lose five to ten pounds in a week. Not sure how we thought this was okay!
Eric was miserable and constantly in pain. Now that he is not in pain he realizes how he just got use to his stomach always hurting - it became his norm.
I felt horrible. He works so hard and was suffering so much. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he might be healed some how. I especially prayed for a miracle when he was in school and in the bishopric getting hardly any sleep and dealing with large amounts of stress. I just wasn't sure his body could deal with it. Surely Heavenly Father could heal him, could take away some of the pain.
The miracle finally came after years of praying. In late September of this year, Eric was scheduled for another colonoscopy (because of the family history of colon cancer). Luckily, our move caused Eric to have the procedure done at IMC with Dr. Frech. Dr. Frech questioned Eric why someone so young would be getting a colonoscopy and told him there was no way he had microscopic colitis. Males his age do not get mircoscopic colitis. After the procedure Dr. Frech told Eric that he does have mircoscopic colitis but that it is curable and that he believed it was caused by advance signs of untreated Celiac disease. Noooooo Not Celiac!!!
We had a week before we knew for sure that Eric had Celiac and we feasted on gluten. Top on the list was homemade cherry pie and pizza. Eric's blood work came back higher than the doctor has ever seen. His mircoscopic colitis only requires three months of medicine and then will be gone forever if he sticks to a gluten free diet.
This lifestyle change has been harder than I imagined. A few weeks after Eric was diagnosed I was pondering and had an overwhelming feeling that this is the miracle I have prayed so fervently for. How grateful I am for answers to prayers. It is a miracle that he has not vomited in the last six weeks. His stomach does not hurt constantly and he never comes home to tell me he is skipping dinner because he just feels sick.
We are learning and adjusting. The kids are very concerned about Eric not eating things that will make him sick. They always ask what dad can and can't eat. They ask if dinner is gluten free almost every night. One day I heard the girls playing house and talking about gluten free food. This is the oven they made
One side is to cook dad's gluten free food and the other side is to cook gluten unfree food.
The new diet is hard for Eric as it is for all of us but how worth it it is! I'm so grateful that prayers are answered and that it was Heavenly Father's will to heal Eric. He has asked me to stop praying for him however ;)
I visited with a friend and her husband today and they asked how the diet is coming which lead to questions about how long Eric has been dealing with symptoms. As I explained how he has felt over the last five plus years, I was shocked that we thought it was normal or okay for him to feel the way he did.
It started Easter 2008, Eric got sick for four or five days with severe diarrhea. At the point we started to really worry, he got better and felt okay for about a month, then he was sick again for several days. This cycle continued for six months before Eric went to the doctor. Because the doctor had no idea what was wrong with Eric and Eric's family history of colon cancer it was decided to do a colonoscopy at the American Fork Hospital. I was rather unimpressed with the Gastrointestinal Doctor who performed the procedure. He was rude and arrogant from the beginning. He told me Eric has microscopic colitis and that nothing could be done. Live with it. So he did. For over five years Eric has "lived" with stomach craps, vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and more. It was normal for him to pass on dinner because he felt too sick to eat or for him to get so sick he would lose five to ten pounds in a week. Not sure how we thought this was okay!
Eric was miserable and constantly in pain. Now that he is not in pain he realizes how he just got use to his stomach always hurting - it became his norm.
I felt horrible. He works so hard and was suffering so much. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that he might be healed some how. I especially prayed for a miracle when he was in school and in the bishopric getting hardly any sleep and dealing with large amounts of stress. I just wasn't sure his body could deal with it. Surely Heavenly Father could heal him, could take away some of the pain.
The miracle finally came after years of praying. In late September of this year, Eric was scheduled for another colonoscopy (because of the family history of colon cancer). Luckily, our move caused Eric to have the procedure done at IMC with Dr. Frech. Dr. Frech questioned Eric why someone so young would be getting a colonoscopy and told him there was no way he had microscopic colitis. Males his age do not get mircoscopic colitis. After the procedure Dr. Frech told Eric that he does have mircoscopic colitis but that it is curable and that he believed it was caused by advance signs of untreated Celiac disease. Noooooo Not Celiac!!!
We had a week before we knew for sure that Eric had Celiac and we feasted on gluten. Top on the list was homemade cherry pie and pizza. Eric's blood work came back higher than the doctor has ever seen. His mircoscopic colitis only requires three months of medicine and then will be gone forever if he sticks to a gluten free diet.
This lifestyle change has been harder than I imagined. A few weeks after Eric was diagnosed I was pondering and had an overwhelming feeling that this is the miracle I have prayed so fervently for. How grateful I am for answers to prayers. It is a miracle that he has not vomited in the last six weeks. His stomach does not hurt constantly and he never comes home to tell me he is skipping dinner because he just feels sick.
We are learning and adjusting. The kids are very concerned about Eric not eating things that will make him sick. They always ask what dad can and can't eat. They ask if dinner is gluten free almost every night. One day I heard the girls playing house and talking about gluten free food. This is the oven they made
The new diet is hard for Eric as it is for all of us but how worth it it is! I'm so grateful that prayers are answered and that it was Heavenly Father's will to heal Eric. He has asked me to stop praying for him however ;)
Monday, July 1, 2013
Tender Mercies part 2
I laid in bed last night thinking of all the things I failed to express.
I marvel at the tender mercies that are given to us throughout our lives. I have heard countless stories of ways individuals and families have felt prepared in unique ways to deal with the tragedies their families have experienced. I feel that this is one of the many ways Heavenly Father expresses his love for us. We must deal with difficulties in this life but He is there carrying us along.
But wait! What about the most trying time in my life? I STILL question why and have failed to accept. Was I prepared to deal with that hardship? No. I don't feel like I was prepared in any way. How can I justify these comments when I haven't always felt this way. Now, after many years, I can look back to see how I became a better person or how Eric was prepared to help me through such a hard time. I've learned where I have been in the wrong and have learned to empathize with others who deal with similar things.
Perhaps we are not prepared in every trail but that as we learn to accept them and Heavenly Father's will for us we can feel peace and calmness despite the heartache. Maybe it is only after the acceptance that our eyes can truly be open to the tender mercies of the Lord. I've realized that I need to learn to accept one of the hardest times of my life and to STOP questioning. This is going to be hard.
I think there are two ways we question hardship. One - why did this happen to me? Two - why did this happen (so I can learn how to avoid it in the future)? The second way is a health and righteous way to question. Were the first will get you no where and typically is unanswerable. I'm excited to change my way of thinking when hardships come and to look for the many tender mercies and blessings that come with them.
I marvel at the tender mercies that are given to us throughout our lives. I have heard countless stories of ways individuals and families have felt prepared in unique ways to deal with the tragedies their families have experienced. I feel that this is one of the many ways Heavenly Father expresses his love for us. We must deal with difficulties in this life but He is there carrying us along.
But wait! What about the most trying time in my life? I STILL question why and have failed to accept. Was I prepared to deal with that hardship? No. I don't feel like I was prepared in any way. How can I justify these comments when I haven't always felt this way. Now, after many years, I can look back to see how I became a better person or how Eric was prepared to help me through such a hard time. I've learned where I have been in the wrong and have learned to empathize with others who deal with similar things.
Perhaps we are not prepared in every trail but that as we learn to accept them and Heavenly Father's will for us we can feel peace and calmness despite the heartache. Maybe it is only after the acceptance that our eyes can truly be open to the tender mercies of the Lord. I've realized that I need to learn to accept one of the hardest times of my life and to STOP questioning. This is going to be hard.
I think there are two ways we question hardship. One - why did this happen to me? Two - why did this happen (so I can learn how to avoid it in the future)? The second way is a health and righteous way to question. Were the first will get you no where and typically is unanswerable. I'm excited to change my way of thinking when hardships come and to look for the many tender mercies and blessings that come with them.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Tender Mercies
Life is back to normal...whatever that means. I'm healthy, exercising occasionally, and have all my energy back.
I felt a need to write about some interesting experiences I've had this past weekend. It started with hearing of a tragedy with so many unanswered questions and the heartache that comes from the unexplained. Why did we experience this loss, why did I have a child die, why did I lose my job right after I bought a large home, or any of the other questions we might have in life. The tragedy I learned about and the questions asked haunted me throughout the day as I wondered is it better to ask or to accept. Is there a way to do both? Can asking and questioning truly bring peace? I'm not sure there is a right answer. But I know that acceptance will always bring peace. Every time.
Eric just finished his last weekend of his MBA program. Hooray!!! I got to spend the weekend with him and his classmates at Sundance Resort for a final wrap up of the program. At the dinner on Friday night we sat next to a couple who I learned experienced the tragedy of losing their parents in a terrible RV crash in Southern Utah at the end of May when Eric and his classmates were all abroad on their Foreign Business Trips. I learned that this man was asked to take over his father-in-law's company when he returned. He spoke for a few minutes during the evenings program about how going back to school has been such a great opportunity for him. I sat there and thought about how he was being prepared to take over this company.
The next afternoon I was speaking with the wife and my miscarriage came up as she found out how often Eric and I talked while he was out of the country and how we were able to face time everyday. Since internet access was expensive and not always easily accessible she asked why we did this. I told her I was very sick when Eric left and he was worried about leaving me. He wanted to see me to make sure I was getting more color in my face. As we talked about the experience and I shared with her all the parts I was grateful for, I told her my thoughts on how her husband was being prepared for their tragedy. She looked at me surprised and expresses how blessed she has felt and all the tender mercies of the Lord that she has see through this difficult experience. She gave me a hug and thanked me for understand. She told me how she felt most people found her heart less or strange for not being devastated for losing her parents when they were still so young. "I've cried many tears and it has been a challenge, but I know that we were prepared for this experience."
Later that night Eric and I were reading the article A Time of Faith, Not Fear in this months Ensign by Elder Larry W. Gibbons. A small section fit so well with the thoughts both of us have been having. "I will always remember sitting in the front room of the home of my closest friend two days after he passed away at a relatively young age. His wife and son were in the room, along with a striking feeling of absolute peace and calm despite the sorrow."
This true deep peace only comes from an understanding of the Plan of Salvation and the peace and comfort of keeping the sacred covenants we make at baptism and in the temple of our God. How grateful I am for the peace and calm that Eric and I have experienced through our many mini "tragedies" of life. We feel so blessed to be an eternal family and to know that God's plan for us is always greater than our own.
This week is a week of big changes for our family. Eric finished school and was released from his calling. We are living in a home full of boxes preparing for our big move on Wednesday to a small townhouse in Murray just minutes from our lot. We are nervous, sad, excited and full of hope as we move on to this new adventure.
I felt a need to write about some interesting experiences I've had this past weekend. It started with hearing of a tragedy with so many unanswered questions and the heartache that comes from the unexplained. Why did we experience this loss, why did I have a child die, why did I lose my job right after I bought a large home, or any of the other questions we might have in life. The tragedy I learned about and the questions asked haunted me throughout the day as I wondered is it better to ask or to accept. Is there a way to do both? Can asking and questioning truly bring peace? I'm not sure there is a right answer. But I know that acceptance will always bring peace. Every time.
Eric just finished his last weekend of his MBA program. Hooray!!! I got to spend the weekend with him and his classmates at Sundance Resort for a final wrap up of the program. At the dinner on Friday night we sat next to a couple who I learned experienced the tragedy of losing their parents in a terrible RV crash in Southern Utah at the end of May when Eric and his classmates were all abroad on their Foreign Business Trips. I learned that this man was asked to take over his father-in-law's company when he returned. He spoke for a few minutes during the evenings program about how going back to school has been such a great opportunity for him. I sat there and thought about how he was being prepared to take over this company.
The next afternoon I was speaking with the wife and my miscarriage came up as she found out how often Eric and I talked while he was out of the country and how we were able to face time everyday. Since internet access was expensive and not always easily accessible she asked why we did this. I told her I was very sick when Eric left and he was worried about leaving me. He wanted to see me to make sure I was getting more color in my face. As we talked about the experience and I shared with her all the parts I was grateful for, I told her my thoughts on how her husband was being prepared for their tragedy. She looked at me surprised and expresses how blessed she has felt and all the tender mercies of the Lord that she has see through this difficult experience. She gave me a hug and thanked me for understand. She told me how she felt most people found her heart less or strange for not being devastated for losing her parents when they were still so young. "I've cried many tears and it has been a challenge, but I know that we were prepared for this experience."
Later that night Eric and I were reading the article A Time of Faith, Not Fear in this months Ensign by Elder Larry W. Gibbons. A small section fit so well with the thoughts both of us have been having. "I will always remember sitting in the front room of the home of my closest friend two days after he passed away at a relatively young age. His wife and son were in the room, along with a striking feeling of absolute peace and calm despite the sorrow."
This true deep peace only comes from an understanding of the Plan of Salvation and the peace and comfort of keeping the sacred covenants we make at baptism and in the temple of our God. How grateful I am for the peace and calm that Eric and I have experienced through our many mini "tragedies" of life. We feel so blessed to be an eternal family and to know that God's plan for us is always greater than our own.
This week is a week of big changes for our family. Eric finished school and was released from his calling. We are living in a home full of boxes preparing for our big move on Wednesday to a small townhouse in Murray just minutes from our lot. We are nervous, sad, excited and full of hope as we move on to this new adventure.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Reality
I think reality is starting to set in but not the reality I expected. My two fears in the hospital have proven to be what we are struggling with the most. Our kids are handling the loss well but still have a lot of questions. As soon as I got home from the hospital Gwen came to me and asked, "Mommy, why did your baby die?" How do you answer that? "I don't know Gwen, something was wrong with the baby and it couldn't live any more and that little body had a spirit waiting to fill it but that spirit wasn't ready to come join our family just yet." Not sure how accurate all of that is but it satisfies her and me.
Audrey keeps telling me that she is sad I'm not having a baby and how she wishes I was already pregnant again. "Me too, sweetheart." She came home from school and told us how she wrote her sentences about the baby. The general ideas were, "The baby was the size of my dad's thumb. My mom had surgery. The baby died." Apparently they had a little class discussion with the kids sharing that this has happened to their mommies too. Excited to come help in her class later this week - it will be interesting.
Porter just tears up when he thinks about it but doesn't say much.
The hardest reality is realizing that I could have died. I could have left my little ones without a mom. This thought and realization has been very scary for Eric and I. Eric keeps texting me to see if I'm doing okay. He is a little worried not being by my side. I tear up as I tuck the kids in bed, and hug and kiss them as I send them off to school. Do they know how much I love them?
We have had so many offers of help with the kids, which we appreciate tremendously, but honestly, I don't want to be away from them. I want to have them with me as much as possible.
As we discuss what happened I realize how much of shock I was in as I was losing the large amounts of blood. Eric shared with me the comments from the doctors about the danger I could have been in if I didn't get there as quickly as I did and if the ER staff wasn't as prepared as they were.
We are filled with gratitude that everything worked out perfectly that day. I'm so grateful for the ER staff who reacted quickly in helping managing my blood loss and the OB who did the surgery. I'm so grateful that I was at the right place at the right time for even getting to the hospital 10 minutes later could have brought about a very different outcome. I'm recovering remarkably well. I still need to take it easy but feel good and am healing quickly.
We are overwhelmed with everyone's love and support. We appreciate all the phone calls, texts, messages, emails, food, treats, cards and everything else. We also appreciate the space many of you are allowing our family at this time. We love you all.
Audrey keeps telling me that she is sad I'm not having a baby and how she wishes I was already pregnant again. "Me too, sweetheart." She came home from school and told us how she wrote her sentences about the baby. The general ideas were, "The baby was the size of my dad's thumb. My mom had surgery. The baby died." Apparently they had a little class discussion with the kids sharing that this has happened to their mommies too. Excited to come help in her class later this week - it will be interesting.
Porter just tears up when he thinks about it but doesn't say much.
The hardest reality is realizing that I could have died. I could have left my little ones without a mom. This thought and realization has been very scary for Eric and I. Eric keeps texting me to see if I'm doing okay. He is a little worried not being by my side. I tear up as I tuck the kids in bed, and hug and kiss them as I send them off to school. Do they know how much I love them?
We have had so many offers of help with the kids, which we appreciate tremendously, but honestly, I don't want to be away from them. I want to have them with me as much as possible.
As we discuss what happened I realize how much of shock I was in as I was losing the large amounts of blood. Eric shared with me the comments from the doctors about the danger I could have been in if I didn't get there as quickly as I did and if the ER staff wasn't as prepared as they were.
We are filled with gratitude that everything worked out perfectly that day. I'm so grateful for the ER staff who reacted quickly in helping managing my blood loss and the OB who did the surgery. I'm so grateful that I was at the right place at the right time for even getting to the hospital 10 minutes later could have brought about a very different outcome. I'm recovering remarkably well. I still need to take it easy but feel good and am healing quickly.
We are overwhelmed with everyone's love and support. We appreciate all the phone calls, texts, messages, emails, food, treats, cards and everything else. We also appreciate the space many of you are allowing our family at this time. We love you all.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Apologies
This morning I'm more emotional but I think it is mainly because I hardly slept. Needles in the arms is not fun. Have you ever tried to sleep with your arms straight? Other interesting things, I pee two cups at a time. Who knew. If you are pumped full of fluids all night you are going to be bugging the nurses to watch you pee every two to three hours. I feel fine, so the last times I went by myself with out calling the nurse. Felt like a rebel.
Just talked to the PA and she said everything is looking good. My blood is a little low (don't really know what that means a 28) and my blood pressure is low but it always is so I'm not too concerned about that. I can go home after I get my Rhogam shot. Yeah, my own bed and no needles. I can't wait. I have no pain and feel great considering. My recover should be minimal. Just take it easy today and tomorrow. No exercise or heavy lifting for the next several weeks depending on my next doctors appointment in two weeks.
I've realized what makes me cry - apologies. So please don't give them. Ask me things like, how was the hospital staff, how's your energy, do you guys need any help (which honestly right now we are good), pretty much anything besides an apology. I'm sad for our loss and wish I was still pregnant. It is very weird to realize that I'm not! But I don't want to dwell on that. I want to think about the beautiful ones I have at home and an amazing husband that I get to sleep next to tonight. I want to think about my upcoming summer trips and the craziness of trying to sell our house. I know you are sorry for our loss and I appreciate it, I just don't want to talk about it. I hope that makes sense.
Thank you for all the prayers and support. It means so much to us. We are grateful I'm healthy and doing well and that we can try again in a few months. I'm so grateful to go through this with Eric and that we both have a clear understanding that this is for the best. We know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our little family and that he has the greater plan.
Just talked to the PA and she said everything is looking good. My blood is a little low (don't really know what that means a 28) and my blood pressure is low but it always is so I'm not too concerned about that. I can go home after I get my Rhogam shot. Yeah, my own bed and no needles. I can't wait. I have no pain and feel great considering. My recover should be minimal. Just take it easy today and tomorrow. No exercise or heavy lifting for the next several weeks depending on my next doctors appointment in two weeks.
I've realized what makes me cry - apologies. So please don't give them. Ask me things like, how was the hospital staff, how's your energy, do you guys need any help (which honestly right now we are good), pretty much anything besides an apology. I'm sad for our loss and wish I was still pregnant. It is very weird to realize that I'm not! But I don't want to dwell on that. I want to think about the beautiful ones I have at home and an amazing husband that I get to sleep next to tonight. I want to think about my upcoming summer trips and the craziness of trying to sell our house. I know you are sorry for our loss and I appreciate it, I just don't want to talk about it. I hope that makes sense.
Thank you for all the prayers and support. It means so much to us. We are grateful I'm healthy and doing well and that we can try again in a few months. I'm so grateful to go through this with Eric and that we both have a clear understanding that this is for the best. We know that Heavenly Father is mindful of our little family and that he has the greater plan.
My only love
We have had a lot of difficult times, trails, and struggles over the last several years. Likely, not more than the next family. During some especially hard times Eric apologized for the hard life I married into. I looked at him not feeling that way and said, "as long as I get to go through it all with you, I would rather have a hard life with you by my side than an easy life with anyone else." Still feel this way. I've had a lot of anxiety with putting our house up for sale and the unknow of our future (which really, what's the worst thing that could happen, a few weeks at the Value Inn?)
We were able to go to the temple on Saturday night and the whole time as I was praying for comfort I thought about how nothing matters as long as I'm with Eric. We could live in a dumpy apartment and would be happy or in our beautiful dream home we are trying to build and it would be the same. the kids are important too but not as much as being with Eric. I realize at the temple how he has been the only love of my life and how it will all work out because we will be dealing with it together. And also as a family with our flexible, beautiful four little ones.
I was expecting our fifth child which added to the anxiety of the move. Typically we keep pregnancies a secret until 15 or 16 weeks but we were excited and started telling at 12 weeks. I heard the heart beat and everything looked great at 10 1/2 weeks. We were in the clear, right?
Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up with a odd feeling that I was going to miscarry today. I later had some spotting but nothing too serious. I started cramping a lot during church and pulled Eric out telling him I will call him if I needed to go to the hospital. He told me it would all be fine, nothing too serious, he was sure. How I wanted to believe him. After church I let the kids go to town on sugar cereal and Rose and I took naps. I had convienced myself that I just needed some rest. I woke up a few hours later and had some more spotting but nothing too concerning. However, I began cramping a lot. I got out of bed to help with the kids and Eric and Porter left to go home teaching. I told the girls to get their shoes on so we could visit the Flinders while dad was gone. Hadn't see Becky's cute baby in forever and I needed a distraction. We chatted for a few minutes when I first got there. I told her about the weird things going on and then GUSH. I felt like my water broke. There was blood tracked through her kitchen, in her bathroom and I hope not on the carpet, lovely. Becky rushed me to the ER and Tim watched my girls. I texted Eric and he rushed Porter to Tim and meet us at the hospital. he got thereafter the doctor started working on me. I was gushing blood, left all throughout the hospital. The doctor told me I was misscarrying and that it is good I did wait to come in since I was losing so much blood. He got the baby out but I was bleeding too much for him to do more. The nurse asked if i wanted to see my baby, I quickly said no, eric agreed that that probably would not be a good thing. I have a hard time feeling attached to my babies until after the 20 week ultrasound. I did not want to see how much of a baby it looked liked. I was ordered two units of blood and was told I would go straight to surgery for a D&C. Some strangers helped Eric give me a blessing. I cried for two reasons:1 how we're we going to tell the kids, and 2 what if something goes wrong and I leave poor Eric a widower with four small children, I didn't even say good bye to the kids. Now that seems like a silly fear but I was bleeding a lot. I felt nervous as they wheeled me to surgery, excited to be put under to forget about this nightmare for a few minutes. Surgery went well. They got the bleeding to stop and I was told I would stay overnight to watch my blood.
Emotionally, I'm doing well. I'm sad for what could have been but I also know miscarriages are a blessing. I guess part of it is because we have four wonderful children and I'm sure we can try again. Physically, I'm doing great. I will know more in the morning. And yes, I should be sleeping but with an iv in each arm and massage leggings on, it is a little hard to sleep.
I'm so grateful for everyone who took care of my kids, have offered dinner, and more babysitting. Not sure what the next couple days will be like. I'm especially grateful this happened today and not next week. Eric is leaving for a 16 day trip to Europe, which is mandatory for his MBA. I'm so excited for him to go on this amazing trip. He needs it right now. I'm not sure how he would have delt with that email from the hospital, yikes!
We were able to go to the temple on Saturday night and the whole time as I was praying for comfort I thought about how nothing matters as long as I'm with Eric. We could live in a dumpy apartment and would be happy or in our beautiful dream home we are trying to build and it would be the same. the kids are important too but not as much as being with Eric. I realize at the temple how he has been the only love of my life and how it will all work out because we will be dealing with it together. And also as a family with our flexible, beautiful four little ones.
I was expecting our fifth child which added to the anxiety of the move. Typically we keep pregnancies a secret until 15 or 16 weeks but we were excited and started telling at 12 weeks. I heard the heart beat and everything looked great at 10 1/2 weeks. We were in the clear, right?
Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up with a odd feeling that I was going to miscarry today. I later had some spotting but nothing too serious. I started cramping a lot during church and pulled Eric out telling him I will call him if I needed to go to the hospital. He told me it would all be fine, nothing too serious, he was sure. How I wanted to believe him. After church I let the kids go to town on sugar cereal and Rose and I took naps. I had convienced myself that I just needed some rest. I woke up a few hours later and had some more spotting but nothing too concerning. However, I began cramping a lot. I got out of bed to help with the kids and Eric and Porter left to go home teaching. I told the girls to get their shoes on so we could visit the Flinders while dad was gone. Hadn't see Becky's cute baby in forever and I needed a distraction. We chatted for a few minutes when I first got there. I told her about the weird things going on and then GUSH. I felt like my water broke. There was blood tracked through her kitchen, in her bathroom and I hope not on the carpet, lovely. Becky rushed me to the ER and Tim watched my girls. I texted Eric and he rushed Porter to Tim and meet us at the hospital. he got thereafter the doctor started working on me. I was gushing blood, left all throughout the hospital. The doctor told me I was misscarrying and that it is good I did wait to come in since I was losing so much blood. He got the baby out but I was bleeding too much for him to do more. The nurse asked if i wanted to see my baby, I quickly said no, eric agreed that that probably would not be a good thing. I have a hard time feeling attached to my babies until after the 20 week ultrasound. I did not want to see how much of a baby it looked liked. I was ordered two units of blood and was told I would go straight to surgery for a D&C. Some strangers helped Eric give me a blessing. I cried for two reasons:1 how we're we going to tell the kids, and 2 what if something goes wrong and I leave poor Eric a widower with four small children, I didn't even say good bye to the kids. Now that seems like a silly fear but I was bleeding a lot. I felt nervous as they wheeled me to surgery, excited to be put under to forget about this nightmare for a few minutes. Surgery went well. They got the bleeding to stop and I was told I would stay overnight to watch my blood.
Emotionally, I'm doing well. I'm sad for what could have been but I also know miscarriages are a blessing. I guess part of it is because we have four wonderful children and I'm sure we can try again. Physically, I'm doing great. I will know more in the morning. And yes, I should be sleeping but with an iv in each arm and massage leggings on, it is a little hard to sleep.
I'm so grateful for everyone who took care of my kids, have offered dinner, and more babysitting. Not sure what the next couple days will be like. I'm especially grateful this happened today and not next week. Eric is leaving for a 16 day trip to Europe, which is mandatory for his MBA. I'm so excited for him to go on this amazing trip. He needs it right now. I'm not sure how he would have delt with that email from the hospital, yikes!
Friday, January 18, 2013
10 Years
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I can't believe Eric has put up with me for this long. I never really believed in your one true love but the longer we are together I know Eric was meant for me and I was meant for him despite all of our polar opposites. I love laughing, planning, exploring, failings, and trying again with him day after day.
Progress Report: I'm writing this as I listen to my children sleeping and coughing up lungs at the same time. Fun! Because of my sick kiddies, I have failed miserable at Step 3 but hope in the next day or two to do something besides fill water bottles full of Gatorade, run humidifiers and try to convince my children to eat and drink.
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