The Sunday before Thanksgiving I taught the 9 and 10 year old Sunday school class (primary). I love this calling in my church. On this particular week the lesson was on Faith in Jesus Christ. The lesson went through several stories of the early saints and their struggles. The point was to help the children understand that when we have faith in Jesus Christ we can endure all things. As I prepared and taught this lesson I felt like it was for me, that for some reason I needed this reminder at this time.
The following Tuesday I had my first doctors appointment. I was eleven weeks along. I wasn't nervous during this pregnancy until a few days before my appointment. The nurses and doctor were surprised how unexcited I was. I just told them I wasn't sure everything was okay with the baby. They reassured me that it was going to be great. As my doctor did as ultrasound there was no sound. He played with volume a little then looked at me. "No heart beat," I said. "I'm so sorry," he responded. I tried to control the tears. They put me in another room with a fancier ultrasound machine to confirm. My doctor was surprised that the baby was measuring right at eleven weeks. It must have just happened he told me. So the process began again. I text Eric and we got a D&C scheduled for the next day. I was grateful I didn't have an appointment any earlier. Seeing a heart beat and having the hope that the baby was healthy would have made this so much harder. I was extremely grateful I didn't have to miscarry on my own. I don't ever want to have another ER visit. The surgery went great and we told the kids nothing about the miscarriage. No one knew we were expecting. I don't think we will make the mistake of telling people too early again.
We were sad and heart broken but only for a short time. We still tear up on occasion but most of my tears are because of the peace and hope that I feel during this trying time. One night Eric and I finally had a few moments to be sad together. I told him I was grateful for the mountains we have been given this past year to climb. There was a talk given by President Henry B. Eyring in 2012 titled mountains to climb. At the time Eric and I discussed how we were ready and excited for opportunities to grow. In the talk president Eyring talks about how we get through trails by having a solid foundation of faith, primarily in our savior Jesus Christ. Thinking about this talk during this trial taught me something very important about myself and my experiences. In a previous post I talked about an extremely difficult trial/experience that I sometimes still questioned. I've been taught this past week that that difficult time in my life was preparing me for the trials we had this year.
When I was struggling with a bad experience in the past I questioned my worth and my faith. I struggled with depression and despair. I didn't have a lot of experience with the atonement of Jesus Christ at that time but knew that the atonement was the way for me to overcome and to be spiritually and mentally healed. I intensely studied the life of Christ for the next year trying to find the peace and comfort I so greatly desire. Slowly, very slowly, after more than a year I began to feel some peace and comfort. Overtime I healed completely. But more importantly, I was able to strengthen my foundation of faith in my Savior.
We have been sad but more than anything we feel joy, peace, and hope for the future because of our faith in Jesus Christ. We all go through difficult times but it is always given to us as a opportunity to grow and to become more like the Son of God. This Christmas session I'm especially grateful for the gift that has been given to all men...the gift of peace, comfort, and hope as we seek out Jesus Christ and come unto Him.
