There is something healing about recognizing the hurt.
The first week I tried not be sad. I didn't want to waste my time being sad. I soon realized that acknowledging that it is normal and okay to feel pain over my many losses. Somehow telling my self this made me feel better. When I have a hard day I allow myself to go through the emotions and heal from them.
Healing from loss takes time.
We struggled with infertility (used lightly) with Porter. The pain of not getting pregnant month after month seemed unbearable at the time. Now I look back at the short period or phase of our lives with fondness. All the tender moments Eric and I had together as we worked through the feelings of fear and disappointment. Remembering this helps me realize that in five years I can feel the same way about this experience. Time seems to slow down when life is a struggle. It feels all encompassing right now but I know that this is such a small moment in time.
Healing is a process and not a one time event.
I became frustrated when the hurt of these miscarriages came back. After two weeks I really felt great and things were moving on. I was happy to not be sick and to have a summer of not being pregnant ahead of me. Then I started getting test results. The pain came flooding back with every call from the doctor's office. I would heal and be doing well then the medical bills started coming in the mail. Every time I get the courage to sit down and start paying the bills the feelings come back. I try to pay them when I can have a few moments of sadness and tears. The first time I started paying the bills I felt great empathy for anyone who has had to do this for a lost child. How painful to sit down to the astronomical bills that represent a horrible loss in your life.
The fear of future loss never leaves you.
Every time we decide to try for another child I feared not being able to get pregnant. I don't think I could ever experience pregnancy again without the fear of losing the baby. Whatever loss you have experienced in life stays with you to some degree.
Life goes on. I'm grateful that summer is a few weeks away and that I get to spend every minute of it playing and exploring with my children. I've declared this summer the summer of hiking and outdoor adventures. I love being out in nature and the peace that I feel there. I'm excited to take my awesome little hikers around the many beautiful canyons surrounding our city.
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